.... or was i?...
years and years ago, i was in a university in a major wool city far, far away. learning the skills i'd need in later life. Obviously in my case, i was learning the skills required to be a parody doctor on a social networking site (back then it was myspace... a know!! magine no twitter). those years where tough for me. i enjoyed the student life, it was just the other students/ hippies/ weirdos that done my head in. pulling out their manky little student cards on the off chance they might get 10p of a bottle of Becks. sat round in gangs talking about red dwarf and smoking their spitty little biftas, throwing "mental" house parties and playing drinking games ffs.
once, this little gang of nuggets game up to me in some house party goin "eh up mate, ju want tu drink some o this vodka through your eye?". I just said "nah, i'm sound..i'll just drink this lager,... with my mouth!!". see what i mean. i'm not a bore or nottn but fuckin hell mate.
To combat this, i used to invite me mates down to visit me as much as i possibly could. a gang of scousers in a wool city was fuckin brilliant. and some hefty nights took place.
on one of these nights, me and a mate got talking to a couple of berds, they were decent. we followed them around like a pair of tits, jibbed are mates an started the blag (as you do). after a few hours and a few drinks we headed back to theirs. my mate was buzzing at the thought of going back to a student berds house "coz there will be other berds there as well and they might want it an all!!". he had visions of some fuckn playboy mansion the mad twat. i had visions of Nirvana posters and pizza boxes.
Sure enough, i was proved right. as we walked into the living room we where greeted by a great big, fuck off poster of Che Guevara!!. it looked like someone had broke in, lashed their rubbish everywhere, an then fucked off. i turned to my mate an said "fuck this, i'm bailing". he answered with the textbook scouse lad reply "fuckin hell lad!, hang on for a minute". i don't know why, but that always seems to work on me?
luckily enough, we didn't need to "decide" who was with who. i knew which one i was into, and my mate wasn't arsed so it was sound. we sat talking and kissing for a bit before being led away to their rooms. a quick nose around her room confirmed her status as a top quality, meff-head student. but i thought "fuck it" i wasn't arsed by that stage. The intricate workings of a young scousers mind in full view for you there girls. "shes a bit of a meff but fuck it, am here now". bad me wan i.
after a few minutes ov kissing and messin around she says "i'm just goin the bathroom for a sec". not thinking anything of it, i strip of to me bills and dive into her little manky single bed. after a few minutes she comes back in wearing a little nighty. i thought "decent!!" then in the background i could feel a piss brewing. i lashed her off me an told her "am just goin the bog a sec" (suave bastard me la, swear down).
I flick the light on and walk into the toilet.............................................................. Fuckin hell!!
swear down, i'm greeted by the biggest shit i've EVER seen. its like a fuckn submarine has made a wrong turn and has ended up jammed in this berds toilet. its so massive, its coming out the water by easily ten inches. imagine a pringles can, but its a poo down some berds bog. I just stood there looking at it gobsmacked. i tried to flush it, but it just buzzed off me!! so, i stood there, pissing on this horrific turd that was reaching from this girls toilet like a fuckn monster or suttn.
then something dawned on me. Did that girl do this poo? did tha girl i'm supposed to be gettn into do this poo?? surely not?
see. what happens girls, when your out on a night out. an your lookin fuckin decent! well, us lads fall in love with all that. the shoes, the legs, the arse, the sexy little black dress that's clinging to your boss as fuck body. If a lad is lucky enough to get one of you home to his or yours or what ever, he's already asked himself a million questions. You've heard the saying "undressing me with his eyes". Honest girls, in his head, he's already "undressed you" and he's currently doggying you head off!! Lads like the mystery and mystique of a "bit of strange".
As i stood there looking at this massive poo, questioning whether or not this girl had delivered this poo? I could feel the "mystique" of this strange, mysterious girl slipping away. Once you've seen a girls poo. That feeling goes FAST!
I went back into her room, climbed into her bed, and she tried to pick up where we left off. But it was all over! i was fucked! nothing she did could get the idea of her MASSIVE shit lurking in the toilet, out of my head. And if i'm honest, i wouldn't be arsed with a girl who could lay a cable like that. kinnell. she rolled over, and i dived out of her room, found the couch amongst the pizza boxes and fell a kip to the sound of my mate, doggying his mysterious girls head off. tut!
The next morning my mate woke me up with a big smile on his face, "come ed lad, we bailing?". as we made our way back across woolsville in a joey, he told me all about his "little dert" and the stuff he did with her. Then i told him what happened with me, his face dropped, then he burst out laughing! "aaghhh fuckin hell lad! that was me!!, did you see the size of it!". turns out, he'd baked this poo all day in a car on the way down to woolsville, had no time to go the bog when he got to mine, and so, dropped this fucker off in this student berds house. SOUND!!
so..
the moral of the story is... fuck knows. probably:
"don't go the bog in some strange berd house uncase she's been for a shit, and its fuckn horrible, you assume its the berds and you cant get it out your head"
.......and always remember to ask your berd if shes been for a poo.
DR SCOUSE
That story's insane! Ha ha ha ha ha
ReplyDelete