first of all,.... why!!!. girls seem to take great satisfaction from dragging their fella out the shops. an for what? some grown man sulking along behind you like a kid wanting football stickers for school. I'm not even talking about the money issue, the modern scouse female doesn't need our money lads. they dont need it, but will spend it like there is no tomorrow should you offer to pay and if your a wool reading this, you should know that ur new scouse berd will have at least 30% of your wages spent in her head, before you've even seen it. soz abah them, its in their nature.
Girls, the next time ur clobber shopping around town on a busy saturday afternoon, take a little look around the changing room area. outside the changing rooms there are these poor bastards hanging around, holding about 15 bags, and looking miserable as FUCK! you'll see these fellas kinda acknowledging new additions to their numbers with a glance tha says "i know mate, i'm fuckin wounded an all. shit init". To add insult to injury, these fucking shops have now started putting their knickers an bra sections RIGHT OUTSIDE the changing room area. SOUND!! now we all look like fuckin knicker sniffin weirdos thanks for tha!
its hard enough for lads girls, so dont be trying to "get him involved" in your little shopping day you fuckin prinny! dont be walking over to your fella, with some dress hanging over your head going "what'd you reckon? is it the right colour?, what does this colour look like? is the back nice or does it look shit with tha bow thing on the back? its not slaggy is it? is it too matchy matchy with these shoes?" WHAT!! what the fuck is "matchy matchy"?? how the fuck am i supposed to know if the back is shit or not? I'm not fuckin gok wan yuno!! So, what scouse lads do, is they give out simple "safe" answers. If your fella is over the age of about 30, hes a fuckin veteran. How many times have you heard him say "do you like it?" wait for your reply, and then agree with you?? if you like it, HE LIKES IT... if you think its horrible, HE THINKS ITS HORRIBLE too. see what we've did there...
.... if you think its "fuckin horrible"... WHY WOULD YOU TRY IT ON!! ffs. I was once asked what i thought of some dress, i followed the scouse lad code and waited to try and work out what she thought of the dress herself. she liked it. I agreed and said,
"yeh its nice. you should get it if you like it"
(can you spot the mistake)
see what i'd done was, i'd seemed too interested in what she was getting, she'd sniffed a rat and knew something was up. her response was "your just saying that i should buy it so we can get off". kinnell. cant win mate! she shuffled off to take it off an try something else on. i was left standing there surrounded by older shopping veterans shaking there heads at me in disapproval. I thought "right, fuck this, cheeky twat", and waited for my moment. after about an hour (what the fuck do you all do in there) she came out wearing some other dress, i waited for her question "what about this one, is this one better?".... i checked for the nearest exit and went for it..
"are you messn, it looks a fuckin show! get it off right now. i feel ashamed for ya!...."
her face was a picture, it was a face that looked as tho it couldn't actually believe the words that had come out of my mouth and then gone in her ears. it was the calm before the storm. i knew it, and so did my audience of arl shopping veterans that where actually patting me on the back. some even laughed out loud (after making sure their berds didn't see them laughing at me obviously).
Scouse berds must all own mirrors that distort the colours and shape of new clothes. why is it, they can walk around town, ALL DAY!! to finally find a dress they love. That dress that seems to emotionally move them in some way. The dress that they actually love more than there own family. g
Get the dress home. HATE IT! how.,.... how... why?? whats happened?! how...... how does that happen. Love in the shop, Hate in the house. yuz are fuckin cracked in the head yuno.
heres a crazy idea girls. if you see a dress, and you like it. BUY THE FUCKIN THING!! dont drag your poor bastard fella around every fuckin shop in town, only to go back to that very first shop you walked in and buy that dress you liked in the fuckn first place. kinnell girl. standing there ummin an arrhing over it saying shit like,
"it is nice, lovely isnt it... it'd go lovely with them shoes i've got.. ummm. ummm....what'd you reckon? nice isnt it....... nah, its only the first shop i've looked in"
so what! why does it matter how many shops youve been in? you see something you like, you buy it surely. I can remember needing to buy a suit and some shoes for a wedding i was going to. my berd said she'd come with me but she got fucked straight off.. fuck that mate. I walked out of ours. got on the bus, got off the bus in town. walked into the first shop i seen tha sold suits, bought the first suit i seen that i thought was sound, got some shoes (in the same shop, i know, imagine that girls!!! fucking hell!), paid, walked out the shop to the bus stop, got on the bus and was home within the hour. my berd couldn't handle that.. she couldn't understand how i could just go and buy a suit and not look around. not spend all day looking around, not trying 300 suits on and then stressing over shoes that would go with the suit i'd bought. on the day of the wedding, she even told people, "ju like his suit, it only took him an hour to buy it" then bored every one with how "mad" i was over my shopping skills. every lad she told, patted me on the back and said "well done", all the girls fumed at me, and agreed with me berd that "i was a fuckin shopping weirdo". tut.
girls. in future, if your going shopping go on your own and leave your tyrone in the house. take your mate and spend two weeks in liverpool one tryna decide over a dress you pair of fuckin melts.
i hate shopping, can you tell...
DR SCOUSE..
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