Decorating..

Kinnell mate.

As you may or may not know, av been decorating this week. I didn't even see it coming!! you know when you're sat there and your berd turns to you and says "I know, lets decorate the bedroom". Makes you wonder how their minds work doesn't it. I'm sat there thinking about gettn me hair wizzed and goin for a bevy. She's sitting there thinking "if he thinks he's took a week off work to relax he can fuck rarr off"

Berds these days watch too much changing rooms or whatever. Standing in the bedroom with their hands on their hips going "hmmm, hmmmmmm" before turning to you and saying "what'd you think?". well give us a clue girl, you've stood there for twenny minutes going "hmmmm" for fucks sake! what do i think of what!? 10 seconds ago I was watching sky sports news, and now i'm taking on some fuckin decorating "project".

So off we went to B&Q walking around looking at paint colours like "lemon sorbet" and "toffee sunrise" or whatever. Fucking joke. You know what does my head in? when you suggest suttn to your berd coz you wanna seem arsed and she dismisses it like your a fucking tit. why are lads ideas shit, but berds ideas fuckn boss. I think they're scared to choose anything a lad suggests in case their mates come round and really like it. they'd hate that coz they couldn't take any credit. Its better to swerve his ideas in case they're fucking boss and you have to give him the satisfaction

"eyah girl, what about this Jarg Jade colour?"
"NO!!! are you messn its fucking horrible!"

then she goes "eyah, this ones nice isnt it, Toasted Marshmellow"

If i'd ov suggested "Toasted Marshmellow" I'd ov been a gobshite. fuck off! (looks like magnolia to me anyway but fuck it, what do i know)

The best thing you can do is go along with the "you don't know what your on about" plan that your berd has set aside for you. its easier that way. after all, she's decorated loads of times (watched her dad) so you'd best leave it to your little prinny expert.

couple of quick notes fellas, make sure your berd is absolutely SURE about the colour she picks and MAKE SURE shes present before you start painting any fucking walls with her Toasted Marshmellow shite. you don't wanna get all the way round the room with it for her to go "EEEEeeee, its horrible" yeh love i cant understand it, it looked lovely on that 10cm tester in the shop. who'd of thought a huge wall covered in that colour would look like a stale wedding cake when the paint dried!

It's alright for her, she picks the colour, points her fingers at stuff and goes "we'll have to sort that out first"....  "WE'LL" oh, are you helping or fucking off the sunbeds again??! Girl, if your gonna help, HELP! dont spend two hours trying to decide what clothes your going to wear to decorate in. sorting your hair out and then complaining that your arms hurting after painting for 7 minutes. Best thing is when they go "eyah, i'll cut in" she gets it everywhere, moans shes got pins and needles in her feet and then fucks off. Then, half an hour later you can hear her laughin on the phone to her mate downstairs. well done love, your a fuckn great help you. you'll sleep tonight wont you you little grafter.

You'll hear that word a lot over the next few days, "we".

"we've been decorating"
"we decided on Toasted Marshmellow"
"it's been hard work this week but we've nearly finished"
"are we gonna have enough paint"

fuck off.

All these inspirational wall quotes can fuck off as well. Surely NO ONE has bought one of them and thought "that's SO us". NO scousers can put "Happiness is a Loving Home" on their wall and keep a straight face.

My berd seen one that said "Live Each Day With Laughter". in our house? fuckin hell. The irony is there would be fucking murder over what wall to put our inspirational "Laughter" quote on. There should be Scouse versions of them like:

Don't Skit Me House, We Think Its Sound

The worst bit for me personally is "the bits". you'll decorate, think "yeh sound, av finished" but NO, you haven't. Your berd will go "hmmmm, it just needs some bits now doesn't it" turns out theres still LOADS of other stuff still to do. she'll fuck off to Ikea and come back with a load of flat pack bollocks and a load of wicker baskets called "Sven" or suttn. you've still got to put all that together!! you've still got to hang some massive picture of a pebble with "love" wrote on it. basically your off work for three more days, you didn't think she'd let you off did you.

You know when your finished and your standing there with your berd and shes goin "it looks good, we've done a good job havent we", tell her to fuck off.

you know why she should fuck off?

what'd you think the difference is between "Toasted Marshmellow" and the colour you put up last year, "Summer Almond"?

NOTHING!!