Relationships....

Sappnin.

Been a while so yuno, thought i'd av a little blog n tha.

This blog is about relationships. and how badly shit we are at being in them. Lads want a bird that's gonna basically do EVERYTHING whilst simultaneously giving him a blowjob and sky+ match ov the day for him. if you can balance a can ov lager on your head, even better.

Girls want a lad that's gonna wine and dine, flash the cash. be confident but not cocky, funny, tall and handsome and has to be able to kill spiders and pull hair out ov the plug hole for you. if he can make you "feel skinny" even better.  right?? ? FOR FUCKS SAKE!! your life isn't a fuckin film yuno!! being narrated by her off the Bridget Jones films. too much "sex in the city" and not enough reality.

is it any wonder people are shite at staying in relationships for any length of time? here's the truth...

Girls go into a relationship expecting the world on a stick, and why not? they've had it drilled into them by their ma's, their loved up mates and every "girl" film they've ever watched since they fucked their last fella off. They've been told they "deserve better"! why should they go out with a "dickhead". right?

Lads don't get that advice. they basically go out, try and blag the fittest girl they can, get into a relationship with the girl and then accept them for what they are. If you get jibbed lad, its coz you wasn't good enough. when was the last time a girl jibbed a lad and told him it was coz SHE was shit in the relationship and shes doing whats best for the lad....

... no, i cant remember that EVER happening either.

you could be a crank, a bondage weirdo with leather skids, or even go out every week with your mates, come home pissed and call him a "fucking joke" before curling up on the couch and falling asleep. and that's alright coz "at least shes fit". some 85 year old men have spent more than half a century with a fuckn crank because "she was fit, so... fuck it! yeh shes a crank but yuno"

Girls don't seem to think they have to put up with ANY shit from their fella and yet, THEY take the piss out of HIM like its the norm. if lads took that approach we'd all be sat reading this blog SINGLE!! reassuring ourselves that,

"yes I'm single but at least i don't take no shit"

A few weeks ago i overheard a girl talking to her mate on the bus to town, it was dinner time-ish so they must ov been doing a bit of shoppn or whatever. one of them was going on about her fella, saying how he's fuckn useless and does fuck all. Her mate was goin "arr why are you putting up with that?". the girl went on to explain a list of stuff that he'd done and, to be fair, he sounded like a fuckin twat. then she started getting upset right....
starts going on about "i don't want much Dawn, i don't ask for much". then basically went on for about 20 minutes about the stuff she "wants".... FUCKING HELL!! from what i can remember it was:

1. a nice house
2. a new car at some point
3. a night out every week
4. to help tidy up
5. a holiday
6. surprise her with flowers
7. to be more romantic
8. to stop moaning all the time
9. spend more time with her instead of playing footy with his mates (probably once a week)
10. make more of an effort with my sister and her fella.

yeh, she doesn't want much does she... kinnell mate, i had to bite my tongue to stop myself from blurting out "and what do you do for him?" she'd of probably said "i do EVERYTHING for him"...
poor bastard fella is probably working his tits off, doesn't even know his about to get jibbed by fuckn Victoria Beckham there... bitch.

Lads don't do themselves ANY favours tho do they? kinnell. this is why a blog like this one will get ripped apart by girls. Because for every honest to god, "try hard" lad, theres a dickhead that confirms what girls think of us lads, and even worse. they've been out with one. so straight away, from the first few weeks of your relationship, your shit best not even stink because if it does, you'll be branded with the "just another dickhead" iron and sent the shop.

so... here's my list of pointers for all you little love birds out their looking for love, or starting off in a new relationship.

• If your getting started with a new partner. BE YOURSELF! don't be turning up acting like your fuckin loaded and wearing clobber you had to get a fuckn LOAN to buy. WHY? they'll only fall in love with all that shit, and THAT'S NOT YOU!
• Girl. don't be such a fuckn princess! genuinely, Liverpool is full of single "prinnies" that are about 37 and still live with their ma's and da's. driving around in their little pink cars and sleeping in their "cyoot" pink bedrooms. they're only single coz its illegal to go out with their own "daddy"... grow up.
• Lad. Don't be so old fashioned. if she offers to pay for something, relax. don't panic and start growing a muzzy quick coz shes got her purse out. its 2013, shes allowed to pay for stuff.
• Lad. If your berd pays for stuff sometimes DON'T TAKE THE PISS! shes trying to be fair so don't be a cunt and start throwing orders in for trabz an tha every time she goes to town you nobhead.
• Girl. make plans to do stuff with your fella sometimes. its not his job to keep you entertained yuno. Don't just say "i wanna go out somewhere" and then leave it to him. I took my berd the garage once to get two new tyres on my car. she fumed obviously, but i felt I'd made my point.
• If you say your gonna be somewhere at a certain time, BE THERE!! being "Fashionably Late" is for cunts that don't want to seem to desperate, so have probably hid round the corner for twenny minutes. don't be soft.
• Lad, your scouse berd WILL be late all the time. its shit, deal with it. shes probably been getting ready and its took ages or whatever. YOU on the other hand have got fuckn NO EXCUSE!! what? wouldn't your nails dry quick enough or something? behave!! Be there before your berd. because if you leave her sat there looking decent some other scouser will drop the shoulder and be straight in there. you've been warned.
• No ones perfect. not even you. so cut your new partner some slack. its early days, let it grow a little bit before you decide to fuck them off over something stupid. honestly, jibbing someone because they had some food stuck in their teeth all night and you'd left it to long to tell them and then you felt ashamed all night is NO excuse. sort your head out.
• BE HONEST! if your not happy, say so. that don't mean ripping their fucking hearts out! whats the point in that, even if he did have a little dick, he doesn't need it be told it surely. he's already getting dumped, don't give him a suicide motive as well. 
• Do some stuff on your own sometimes. theres nothing worse than an inseparable couple that go everywhere together. He starts a joke, she finishes it. She starts telling you about the time when they got on the wrong train and it was "hilarious" and he finishes the story because he "tells it better" FUCK OFF! cut the cord. your allowed to have a life AND be in a relationship yuno.

there you go.. stick to that and, in my opinion, you'll be alright.

Girls, yuno i love yuz but fuckn hell...

Lads, fuckn hell.. there are coaches FULL of wools. COACHES of them!! coming to hotels in Liverpool every weekend for stag nights n tha. shagging OUR berds in premier inns!! Wid there fuseys and white vests!!! and what are you doing about it? nottn, your playing fifa and moaning about there being "no crisps in the cupboard" sort your heads out.

right... am starving here waiting for me berd to come in from work and make me suttn to eat. joke this, shes getting jibbed.  (''-)

ina bit