Everything Girls need to know when their fellas watching the match.

Girl, do you think you know your fella quite well, you know his favourite film, you've bought his favourite lager for him, and you've done that thing with his balls that he likes (you little derts!! am onto yooz). Thing is, you've never truly seen your fella untill you've watched him watch football.

every normal lad watches football in Liverpool. if he doesn't, its all over! be arsed with him, sittn there watching scrapheap challenge and thinking its fuckin boss. so really, you should take some comfort from the fact your fella watches togger, he's normal and scouse if he does. obviously, its got to either be Everton or Liverpool. any other team is a wool team. so if he starts saying some bollocks like "i think tranmere will be promoted next season" or "you should come and watch a Bury match with me one day" its all over. just put your coat on and bail. He'll only moan and give you shit about supporting a team from liverpool anyway and whos got time for all that shit? also, don't accept the idea that your fella is alright coz he supports Liverpool, but he's from Bury. sorry, that doesn't make your situation any better. wools a wool. soz.

What you need to do, is spend one day of your life, watching your fella watch the match. (i know, but bare with me on this). some fellas are SHITE at watching the match, they sit there moaning, screaming and shouting, calling the manager shit, ripping players and explaining to you (like your even arsed) why they "should sell that joe allen, he's dogshit". Fellas like that boil my piss!! its almost an over compensation to try and blag everyone into thinking theyre a boss "fan".
ask yourself this Girl,

 

 has he ever BEEN the match in all the years you've been with him?

 has he ever PLAYED a game of football in his life?

 has all the ranting an raving ever impressed you?

NO, NO and NO!!

Basically, he wants you to think he's a proper fuckin lad!! what girl has ever said to her mates "my fellas boss yuno, the other day he was shouting at the team to score, and then they did score!!" tut.

Listen, i'm not a fuckn bore, i've watched the match LOADS of times, and now and again i might make a few points and that. but i'm not shouting me head off like a dickhead. This is the main reason why i cant watch the match in the pub anymore. I cant be arsed listening to a room ov abah 70 fellas all thinking theyre David "yellow pegs" Moyes and Brendan "the envelope" Rodgers. be arsed wid it!! shouting shit like "PASS IT!!!" or "aaahhh whats he doin? he should ov squared it". SHUT UP you fuckn gobshites. all about 25 stone, and couldn't run past a Sayers, telling ME how shit THEY think a player is. fuck off home and go and put your little footy manager game on you beaut. Girl, if your fella is one of these bells in the pub, i hate your fella. standing up right at the front, in the way of the screen talking bollocks. take him home girl.

so, if your fella watches footy and supports a team from Liverpool and doesn't shout shit at the tele, that's a few boxes ticked for you. the next thing is if he plays football. if he does, chances are he's told you a few tales about how fuckn boss he was, how good he played and all the goals he's scored. LISTEN, chances are, your fellas fuckn shite, gets picked last, and probably has to go in goal the fuckn victim. ask him if he you can come and watch one week. watch his little face drop when he realises your gonna see how shit he actually is. Any lad that's half decent doesn't brag about it, and trust me, I've seen some quality players over the years playing footy myself.

Decent players KNOW they're decent, they don't need to shout about it. you wouldn't see Lionel Messi meg someone and then go "DID YOU SEE THAT THEN!! AV JUST MEGGED HIM YUNO!!" would you. SO, if your fella does come home talking shit about how boss he's played and all that, chances are, he's fuckn shite Girl.

Girl. you might also be aware ov a little game called fifa. if you've never heard ov it, your fellas a wool. EVERY scouse lad that's into footy plays fifa. In the hands of a normal football enthusiast, fifa is a good game. Your fella might lash it on, have a few games, win a few, lose a few and not get upset over it. if your fellas a gobshite he'll go on about it, he'll save replays and show you the "boss goals" hes scored. he will ov "made himself" on the game and be playing upfront for Real Madrid and say shit like "I scored a hatrick last night against Barcelona". fuckin hell girl. he's a tit him. saying it like HE actually scored a hatrick against Barcelona.

Ask him what difficulty he plays it on, and watch his little face drop when he says "amateur". what this basiclly means girl, is that a blind, one armed, kid could ov scored a hatrick against barcelona and your fella is playing the game on a setting for kids or suttn. if he's ever compared a real match to one that he's played on fifa, its all over. and you should start putting his clobber in a bin bag for him.

so, what have we learnt today kids.

1. Girl, if your fella supports a team from outside Liverpool, its all over. either Everton or Liverpool, anything else and its all over.
2. Make sure your fella isnt shouting at the tele loads. This is an over compensation for the fact he's never played the game. So he goes over the top, just so you dont think he was a fart in school or suttn coz he never got in the school team.
3. If you go the pub to watch the match and he stands up at the front screaming an shouting like everyone needs to know what he thinks about EVERY KICK OV THE FUCKING BALL! he's a bad tithead.
4. If he plays footy mananger games and talks about it like he's an ACTUAL football manager in real life, its all over.
5. If he plays football, comes home and brags about himself "scoring a proper screamer". He's lying. proper boss players dont need to talk about how good they are.

Look out for these tell tale signs and you might realise your fella is a fuckn bad shin pad.

right.. i'm going to watch the match, shout shit in the pub, have a fight over how shit Joe Allen is, and then come home and throw fifa and pretend its real.

inna bit.