Decorating..

Kinnell mate.

As you may or may not know, av been decorating this week. I didn't even see it coming!! you know when you're sat there and your berd turns to you and says "I know, lets decorate the bedroom". Makes you wonder how their minds work doesn't it. I'm sat there thinking about gettn me hair wizzed and goin for a bevy. She's sitting there thinking "if he thinks he's took a week off work to relax he can fuck rarr off"

Berds these days watch too much changing rooms or whatever. Standing in the bedroom with their hands on their hips going "hmmm, hmmmmmm" before turning to you and saying "what'd you think?". well give us a clue girl, you've stood there for twenny minutes going "hmmmm" for fucks sake! what do i think of what!? 10 seconds ago I was watching sky sports news, and now i'm taking on some fuckin decorating "project".

So off we went to B&Q walking around looking at paint colours like "lemon sorbet" and "toffee sunrise" or whatever. Fucking joke. You know what does my head in? when you suggest suttn to your berd coz you wanna seem arsed and she dismisses it like your a fucking tit. why are lads ideas shit, but berds ideas fuckn boss. I think they're scared to choose anything a lad suggests in case their mates come round and really like it. they'd hate that coz they couldn't take any credit. Its better to swerve his ideas in case they're fucking boss and you have to give him the satisfaction

"eyah girl, what about this Jarg Jade colour?"
"NO!!! are you messn its fucking horrible!"

then she goes "eyah, this ones nice isnt it, Toasted Marshmellow"

If i'd ov suggested "Toasted Marshmellow" I'd ov been a gobshite. fuck off! (looks like magnolia to me anyway but fuck it, what do i know)

The best thing you can do is go along with the "you don't know what your on about" plan that your berd has set aside for you. its easier that way. after all, she's decorated loads of times (watched her dad) so you'd best leave it to your little prinny expert.

couple of quick notes fellas, make sure your berd is absolutely SURE about the colour she picks and MAKE SURE shes present before you start painting any fucking walls with her Toasted Marshmellow shite. you don't wanna get all the way round the room with it for her to go "EEEEeeee, its horrible" yeh love i cant understand it, it looked lovely on that 10cm tester in the shop. who'd of thought a huge wall covered in that colour would look like a stale wedding cake when the paint dried!

It's alright for her, she picks the colour, points her fingers at stuff and goes "we'll have to sort that out first"....  "WE'LL" oh, are you helping or fucking off the sunbeds again??! Girl, if your gonna help, HELP! dont spend two hours trying to decide what clothes your going to wear to decorate in. sorting your hair out and then complaining that your arms hurting after painting for 7 minutes. Best thing is when they go "eyah, i'll cut in" she gets it everywhere, moans shes got pins and needles in her feet and then fucks off. Then, half an hour later you can hear her laughin on the phone to her mate downstairs. well done love, your a fuckn great help you. you'll sleep tonight wont you you little grafter.

You'll hear that word a lot over the next few days, "we".

"we've been decorating"
"we decided on Toasted Marshmellow"
"it's been hard work this week but we've nearly finished"
"are we gonna have enough paint"

fuck off.

All these inspirational wall quotes can fuck off as well. Surely NO ONE has bought one of them and thought "that's SO us". NO scousers can put "Happiness is a Loving Home" on their wall and keep a straight face.

My berd seen one that said "Live Each Day With Laughter". in our house? fuckin hell. The irony is there would be fucking murder over what wall to put our inspirational "Laughter" quote on. There should be Scouse versions of them like:

Don't Skit Me House, We Think Its Sound

The worst bit for me personally is "the bits". you'll decorate, think "yeh sound, av finished" but NO, you haven't. Your berd will go "hmmmm, it just needs some bits now doesn't it" turns out theres still LOADS of other stuff still to do. she'll fuck off to Ikea and come back with a load of flat pack bollocks and a load of wicker baskets called "Sven" or suttn. you've still got to put all that together!! you've still got to hang some massive picture of a pebble with "love" wrote on it. basically your off work for three more days, you didn't think she'd let you off did you.

You know when your finished and your standing there with your berd and shes goin "it looks good, we've done a good job havent we", tell her to fuck off.

you know why she should fuck off?

what'd you think the difference is between "Toasted Marshmellow" and the colour you put up last year, "Summer Almond"?

NOTHING!!

Relationships....

Sappnin.

Been a while so yuno, thought i'd av a little blog n tha.

This blog is about relationships. and how badly shit we are at being in them. Lads want a bird that's gonna basically do EVERYTHING whilst simultaneously giving him a blowjob and sky+ match ov the day for him. if you can balance a can ov lager on your head, even better.

Girls want a lad that's gonna wine and dine, flash the cash. be confident but not cocky, funny, tall and handsome and has to be able to kill spiders and pull hair out ov the plug hole for you. if he can make you "feel skinny" even better.  right?? ? FOR FUCKS SAKE!! your life isn't a fuckin film yuno!! being narrated by her off the Bridget Jones films. too much "sex in the city" and not enough reality.

is it any wonder people are shite at staying in relationships for any length of time? here's the truth...

Girls go into a relationship expecting the world on a stick, and why not? they've had it drilled into them by their ma's, their loved up mates and every "girl" film they've ever watched since they fucked their last fella off. They've been told they "deserve better"! why should they go out with a "dickhead". right?

Lads don't get that advice. they basically go out, try and blag the fittest girl they can, get into a relationship with the girl and then accept them for what they are. If you get jibbed lad, its coz you wasn't good enough. when was the last time a girl jibbed a lad and told him it was coz SHE was shit in the relationship and shes doing whats best for the lad....

... no, i cant remember that EVER happening either.

you could be a crank, a bondage weirdo with leather skids, or even go out every week with your mates, come home pissed and call him a "fucking joke" before curling up on the couch and falling asleep. and that's alright coz "at least shes fit". some 85 year old men have spent more than half a century with a fuckn crank because "she was fit, so... fuck it! yeh shes a crank but yuno"

Girls don't seem to think they have to put up with ANY shit from their fella and yet, THEY take the piss out of HIM like its the norm. if lads took that approach we'd all be sat reading this blog SINGLE!! reassuring ourselves that,

"yes I'm single but at least i don't take no shit"

A few weeks ago i overheard a girl talking to her mate on the bus to town, it was dinner time-ish so they must ov been doing a bit of shoppn or whatever. one of them was going on about her fella, saying how he's fuckn useless and does fuck all. Her mate was goin "arr why are you putting up with that?". the girl went on to explain a list of stuff that he'd done and, to be fair, he sounded like a fuckin twat. then she started getting upset right....
starts going on about "i don't want much Dawn, i don't ask for much". then basically went on for about 20 minutes about the stuff she "wants".... FUCKING HELL!! from what i can remember it was:

1. a nice house
2. a new car at some point
3. a night out every week
4. to help tidy up
5. a holiday
6. surprise her with flowers
7. to be more romantic
8. to stop moaning all the time
9. spend more time with her instead of playing footy with his mates (probably once a week)
10. make more of an effort with my sister and her fella.

yeh, she doesn't want much does she... kinnell mate, i had to bite my tongue to stop myself from blurting out "and what do you do for him?" she'd of probably said "i do EVERYTHING for him"...
poor bastard fella is probably working his tits off, doesn't even know his about to get jibbed by fuckn Victoria Beckham there... bitch.

Lads don't do themselves ANY favours tho do they? kinnell. this is why a blog like this one will get ripped apart by girls. Because for every honest to god, "try hard" lad, theres a dickhead that confirms what girls think of us lads, and even worse. they've been out with one. so straight away, from the first few weeks of your relationship, your shit best not even stink because if it does, you'll be branded with the "just another dickhead" iron and sent the shop.

so... here's my list of pointers for all you little love birds out their looking for love, or starting off in a new relationship.

• If your getting started with a new partner. BE YOURSELF! don't be turning up acting like your fuckin loaded and wearing clobber you had to get a fuckn LOAN to buy. WHY? they'll only fall in love with all that shit, and THAT'S NOT YOU!
• Girl. don't be such a fuckn princess! genuinely, Liverpool is full of single "prinnies" that are about 37 and still live with their ma's and da's. driving around in their little pink cars and sleeping in their "cyoot" pink bedrooms. they're only single coz its illegal to go out with their own "daddy"... grow up.
• Lad. Don't be so old fashioned. if she offers to pay for something, relax. don't panic and start growing a muzzy quick coz shes got her purse out. its 2013, shes allowed to pay for stuff.
• Lad. If your berd pays for stuff sometimes DON'T TAKE THE PISS! shes trying to be fair so don't be a cunt and start throwing orders in for trabz an tha every time she goes to town you nobhead.
• Girl. make plans to do stuff with your fella sometimes. its not his job to keep you entertained yuno. Don't just say "i wanna go out somewhere" and then leave it to him. I took my berd the garage once to get two new tyres on my car. she fumed obviously, but i felt I'd made my point.
• If you say your gonna be somewhere at a certain time, BE THERE!! being "Fashionably Late" is for cunts that don't want to seem to desperate, so have probably hid round the corner for twenny minutes. don't be soft.
• Lad, your scouse berd WILL be late all the time. its shit, deal with it. shes probably been getting ready and its took ages or whatever. YOU on the other hand have got fuckn NO EXCUSE!! what? wouldn't your nails dry quick enough or something? behave!! Be there before your berd. because if you leave her sat there looking decent some other scouser will drop the shoulder and be straight in there. you've been warned.
• No ones perfect. not even you. so cut your new partner some slack. its early days, let it grow a little bit before you decide to fuck them off over something stupid. honestly, jibbing someone because they had some food stuck in their teeth all night and you'd left it to long to tell them and then you felt ashamed all night is NO excuse. sort your head out.
• BE HONEST! if your not happy, say so. that don't mean ripping their fucking hearts out! whats the point in that, even if he did have a little dick, he doesn't need it be told it surely. he's already getting dumped, don't give him a suicide motive as well. 
• Do some stuff on your own sometimes. theres nothing worse than an inseparable couple that go everywhere together. He starts a joke, she finishes it. She starts telling you about the time when they got on the wrong train and it was "hilarious" and he finishes the story because he "tells it better" FUCK OFF! cut the cord. your allowed to have a life AND be in a relationship yuno.

there you go.. stick to that and, in my opinion, you'll be alright.

Girls, yuno i love yuz but fuckn hell...

Lads, fuckn hell.. there are coaches FULL of wools. COACHES of them!! coming to hotels in Liverpool every weekend for stag nights n tha. shagging OUR berds in premier inns!! Wid there fuseys and white vests!!! and what are you doing about it? nottn, your playing fifa and moaning about there being "no crisps in the cupboard" sort your heads out.

right... am starving here waiting for me berd to come in from work and make me suttn to eat. joke this, shes getting jibbed.  (''-)

ina bit

 

 

 

"Summer Summer Summer time...."

Fuckn hell. warm isn't it? how buzzing is everyone with the weather. kinnell. girls are running out into the street screaming and lying on the floor quick to get some kind of tan that they've not had to put 3 tokens in a machine for. some fuckn man head was moaning about it the other day saying "ughhh its too hot!!" yeh, you know why girl?? its coz you've got a pair of jeans on with a big red hoody you man headed ming. i know you've got to "stay true" to your skateboarder roots or whatever. but fuckn hell. just chill out, put a little skirt on, and av a magnum or suttn.

The weather girls always go MAD don't they when they're telln you the weather the night before don't they. even going as far as suggest what you should do with your time. "another glorious summers day tomorrow, so dig out those summer dresses and hit the beach". most girls in Liverpool are thinking

 

"actually girl, i'll just lash me fellas footy shorts on and "hit" the back garden till the icey man comes round so i can get 10 biftas an a funny foot"

funny when you phone your berd from work or whatever, and you KNOW they've been sunbathing (who wouldn't be). but they CAN'T tell you that, coz that's admitting they've done fuck all. and that's what the fella normally does. so when you ask "whav you been up to" they have to read out this big list of stuff they've been doing like  "the washing" or some shit that they make sound like a big job. lets just clear this up girls, when you say your doing "ALL" the washing, your actually just putting clothes in a machine and fucking off for an hour. Am onto yooz! kinnell.

you could tell me you'd been "boiling the drapes" and think it sounds like something that gets done in a house. (its not right?) so girls, if your sunbathing, sunbathe!! and stop justifying it by saying you've done loads of jobs you cranks, coz you avnt. hahahaha.  

Lads are shit in the summer aren't they. they look like they've bought their legs the week before and are trying to grow into them. especially gym heads. kinnell lids. its no good lifting all those weights and jibbing your legs is it? your gonna end up looking daft when you've got to put shorts on in the summer aren't yuz?? skinny, moontanned legs that a smackhead would be proud ov. and EVERY lad is guilty. spent all winter in trackies and tha, summer comes out and they end up bouncing down the shop, shorts on like some horror film "night of the living dead scouse lads zombie legs" or suttn. shit all that.

the fuckn berds are cases an all!! my berd said (to ME, like am suppose to know or suttn) "is it gonna be hot ALL DAY today??, should i wear a coat??" Kinnell. ow am i supposed to know you crank.

And while i'm here, Girls, if your not going the gym STOP WEARING ALL THAT GYM SHIT!! we know your not going the gym, YOU know your not going the gym. so why the lies? we've seen you all year dropping the kids off to school in your jarmies, and now the summers out, the jarmies are off and you want me to believe your a mad gym head. KOFF!!  here's my theory, girls that wear all that think that they're overweight but want people to think "well fair enough, least shes avin a go and going the gym an that". but shes not. soon as the sun fucks off, she'll be back in her jarmies and will have lost NO weight. fuckn weirdos.

the sun also brings out the "shopping bug" in Liverpool doesn't it. girls on facebook going "hmm new summer wardrobe i think". tut. sound. theres another £60 primark will be glad ov. kinnell. I like how everyone justifies the stuff they buy from primark. for example, has any scouser ever bought something they actually wanted to wear on a night out or suttn? no. instead, they justify it by telling whoever they're with

"oh they're only for my holidays, i'll throw them away when i get home"    

or

"its only for in the house, or when am decorating or suttn"

no you wont!! you're just saying tha so we don't think your actually happy that your buying clothes out of primark. why be arsed? no one else is are they? have you ever seen Primark in Liverpool empty? or people getting egged outside for buying cheap clobber?  no i haven't either. so if your buying clobber out of primark, stop telling everyone its "not what it looks like, they're only for my holidays"!! 

Summer is also the Barbecue season. you know that thing that EVERY fuckn lad is an expert at? kinnell. all ov a sudden were all experts on what we need to do the perfect barbecue. saying shit like

"oh no, you don't want charcoal, GET BRIQUETTES!! they hold the heat longer"

or

"You've got to cook it till the juices run clear"

 

What?? what are you saying lad. you cant even make decent toast you soft twat? who taught you about juices running clear and briquettes you fuckn quilt??!! your only burning two burgers and a couple of sausages. its hardly a roast dinner is it? and then, when hes slaved over them burgers he spends the rest ov the afternoon going "did you taste my burgers before? decent wernt thee!!" fuckn made up with himself. till the following morning when everyones texting him coz their arses have fell off. that's the thing with a barbecue isn't it. its a waiting game. the slowest game ov Russian roulette ever. you wont know if the food was cooked right until your lashing it back down the bog 7 hours later. kinnell. actually, barbecues are shit aren't thee? fuck it. am going to Ronnie Mc's next time. haha.

 

so, enjoy the sun (its raining as i write this, shit init).

 

1. Don't moan about the heat if your a man head with a hoody on
2. Girl, if you want to sunbathe, SUNBATHE! you haven't got to earn it by blagging you've done the ironing. kinnell.
3. Lads, legs. no. get the shop with them bastards.
4. stop wearing gym shit girls, unless your going the gym.
5. if your going to primark stop tryna make out like you don't actually want the clothes you've just bought you fuckn divvy.
6. Lad, put the lighter fluid down you fuckn divvy. you can't boil a fuckn egg. nevermind do a fuckn decent barbecue. go and get your head down

s'right Liverpool. inabit

Everything Girls need to know when their fellas watching the match.

Girl, do you think you know your fella quite well, you know his favourite film, you've bought his favourite lager for him, and you've done that thing with his balls that he likes (you little derts!! am onto yooz). Thing is, you've never truly seen your fella untill you've watched him watch football.

every normal lad watches football in Liverpool. if he doesn't, its all over! be arsed with him, sittn there watching scrapheap challenge and thinking its fuckin boss. so really, you should take some comfort from the fact your fella watches togger, he's normal and scouse if he does. obviously, its got to either be Everton or Liverpool. any other team is a wool team. so if he starts saying some bollocks like "i think tranmere will be promoted next season" or "you should come and watch a Bury match with me one day" its all over. just put your coat on and bail. He'll only moan and give you shit about supporting a team from liverpool anyway and whos got time for all that shit? also, don't accept the idea that your fella is alright coz he supports Liverpool, but he's from Bury. sorry, that doesn't make your situation any better. wools a wool. soz.

What you need to do, is spend one day of your life, watching your fella watch the match. (i know, but bare with me on this). some fellas are SHITE at watching the match, they sit there moaning, screaming and shouting, calling the manager shit, ripping players and explaining to you (like your even arsed) why they "should sell that joe allen, he's dogshit". Fellas like that boil my piss!! its almost an over compensation to try and blag everyone into thinking theyre a boss "fan".
ask yourself this Girl,

 

 has he ever BEEN the match in all the years you've been with him?

 has he ever PLAYED a game of football in his life?

 has all the ranting an raving ever impressed you?

NO, NO and NO!!

Basically, he wants you to think he's a proper fuckin lad!! what girl has ever said to her mates "my fellas boss yuno, the other day he was shouting at the team to score, and then they did score!!" tut.

Listen, i'm not a fuckn bore, i've watched the match LOADS of times, and now and again i might make a few points and that. but i'm not shouting me head off like a dickhead. This is the main reason why i cant watch the match in the pub anymore. I cant be arsed listening to a room ov abah 70 fellas all thinking theyre David "yellow pegs" Moyes and Brendan "the envelope" Rodgers. be arsed wid it!! shouting shit like "PASS IT!!!" or "aaahhh whats he doin? he should ov squared it". SHUT UP you fuckn gobshites. all about 25 stone, and couldn't run past a Sayers, telling ME how shit THEY think a player is. fuck off home and go and put your little footy manager game on you beaut. Girl, if your fella is one of these bells in the pub, i hate your fella. standing up right at the front, in the way of the screen talking bollocks. take him home girl.

so, if your fella watches footy and supports a team from Liverpool and doesn't shout shit at the tele, that's a few boxes ticked for you. the next thing is if he plays football. if he does, chances are he's told you a few tales about how fuckn boss he was, how good he played and all the goals he's scored. LISTEN, chances are, your fellas fuckn shite, gets picked last, and probably has to go in goal the fuckn victim. ask him if he you can come and watch one week. watch his little face drop when he realises your gonna see how shit he actually is. Any lad that's half decent doesn't brag about it, and trust me, I've seen some quality players over the years playing footy myself.

Decent players KNOW they're decent, they don't need to shout about it. you wouldn't see Lionel Messi meg someone and then go "DID YOU SEE THAT THEN!! AV JUST MEGGED HIM YUNO!!" would you. SO, if your fella does come home talking shit about how boss he's played and all that, chances are, he's fuckn shite Girl.

Girl. you might also be aware ov a little game called fifa. if you've never heard ov it, your fellas a wool. EVERY scouse lad that's into footy plays fifa. In the hands of a normal football enthusiast, fifa is a good game. Your fella might lash it on, have a few games, win a few, lose a few and not get upset over it. if your fellas a gobshite he'll go on about it, he'll save replays and show you the "boss goals" hes scored. he will ov "made himself" on the game and be playing upfront for Real Madrid and say shit like "I scored a hatrick last night against Barcelona". fuckin hell girl. he's a tit him. saying it like HE actually scored a hatrick against Barcelona.

Ask him what difficulty he plays it on, and watch his little face drop when he says "amateur". what this basiclly means girl, is that a blind, one armed, kid could ov scored a hatrick against barcelona and your fella is playing the game on a setting for kids or suttn. if he's ever compared a real match to one that he's played on fifa, its all over. and you should start putting his clobber in a bin bag for him.

so, what have we learnt today kids.

1. Girl, if your fella supports a team from outside Liverpool, its all over. either Everton or Liverpool, anything else and its all over.
2. Make sure your fella isnt shouting at the tele loads. This is an over compensation for the fact he's never played the game. So he goes over the top, just so you dont think he was a fart in school or suttn coz he never got in the school team.
3. If you go the pub to watch the match and he stands up at the front screaming an shouting like everyone needs to know what he thinks about EVERY KICK OV THE FUCKING BALL! he's a bad tithead.
4. If he plays footy mananger games and talks about it like he's an ACTUAL football manager in real life, its all over.
5. If he plays football, comes home and brags about himself "scoring a proper screamer". He's lying. proper boss players dont need to talk about how good they are.

Look out for these tell tale signs and you might realise your fella is a fuckn bad shin pad.

right.. i'm going to watch the match, shout shit in the pub, have a fight over how shit Joe Allen is, and then come home and throw fifa and pretend its real.

inna bit.

Facebook..... sake!!

s'appin.

Facebook. "Dickheads are us" (including me btw) Although i've been member of facebook since abah 2007. Its really REALLY starting to get on my bleedn wick!. This must mean that i actually hate everyone i know, obviously, because everyone i know is on there, and they make it shit. so. yuno.

The thing is with facebook is that it forces you to tell people stuff you wouldn't normally even think to yourself. My timeline is FULL of shite!! like "starving", "ughh i hate Mondays" "cant believe this rain" "fumin" game invites, boring twats tryna add my birthday to some bullshit app, "farmville" and some other bollocks about egg hunting or suttn. The other thing that i've noticed is those stupid quotations like "true love is when you sniff your mans clothes when he's not there". This shit is normally accompanied by a man and a woman walking down a beach, in the sunset. YAWN!! who comes up with this shit?

Facebook used to be alright, it had a novelty to it. I wanted to know what all the bellends from school where doing. I suppose i wanted to see who done alright for themselves and who'd fucked up. It was interesting to catch up with these people and it was good to see the photos of them on a caravan holiday in wales playing cards in the caravan and eating ice cream in the rain. I nosed through everyones photos, laughing, frowning and judging these people and comparing my own life to theirs. But like any good catch up with an old acquaintance, i've ran out of stuff to tell them, and they're the same. Facebook has kind of got to the awkward silence part with me and my "friends". Its the internet equivalent of standing there, holding your drink, looking around the room for someone else to go and talk to. Except, you've already spoken to all them as well.

Its also the internet equivalent of a quarter to 3 in town on a Saturday night, people are pissed, they've gotten to know you a little bit, and now they're gonna tell you what they think of you, whether you want them to or not.

its gone from "alright mate, good to see you" to "shut up you boring cunt"

I used to be arsed. I'd read peoples facebook updates goin "sound, Dave is going to town for new shoes". but now i hate Dave's face for telling me that. I look at his profile picture and think "tut, theres dickhead dave, the shoe buying gobshite". WHY? why the hate. I don't know but its not just me. All over facebook people are arguing, fighting and posting pictures of their ex fellas with their new berds with a massive "SLAG" title under it. Lads are killing each other on football "banter" pages and prowling the relationship sections for a "its complicated" or a "single" so they can start inboxing these berds heads off.  

To some people, facebook is their whole actual life. Where before they would get their buzz off a decent episode of corrie or 999 with Michael Burke (ha, remember that). They're now sat on facebook ALL day waiting for something to happen so they can get involved. Someone could say "some kids are horrible", and there would be murder, "whos kids ju mean?", "i hope you dont mean my kids?". Why would she mean your kids you fuckin crank, you live a hundred miles away, get your head down you fuckn gobshite. The other week, i seen an actual argument over farmville. Basically someone had said they were sick of "working on other peoples farms and getting no help in return". So, someone flew in arguing about the fact that they helped the other week and that they had no right to say that to everyone and blah blah blah.

FUCKIN HELL!!

First of all, this might come as a shock to some people reading this, but its not actually real. Moaning about having to work on other peoples farms like you've actually done a real days work on a real farm. Are you messn??!! I bet your back was broke the next day moving all that virtual hay from the barn or whatever.. sake. Yuz wanna be careful the social arent watching you working on the side on peoples farms. You might get your doe stopped for earning a cow on the side. Then end up going to farmville jug. Endless. Mindless. Shite.

The worst thing about it by a country mile now are these "like in 5 seconds and see what happens to the picture" bollocks. People. PLEASE, STOP 'LIKING' THIS SHIT!! you know whos the worst. Old people. People that have only been on the internet for two years or suttn. Flew out, bought a laptop, gone straight on facebook, seen a "like this if you want good luck", thought "ooohh i want some good luck" and clicked the fuckin thing. You should see me ma's facebook. Fucking hell, its a joke. She must 'like' everything she sees.

So now, every 5 minutes its "wow, i just won an ipad"

                                             "this girl killed herself coz of suttn, click like to view the video"

                                             "wanna see something cool, comment "2" and see what

                                               happens to the mans face"

                                             "wow i just changed the colour of my facebook from blue to red"

                                             "win JIST0N B!3BER tickets, click like"

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!

Its endless. and unfortunately, its getting worse. Its made worse by zombie facebook profiles. Whats a zombie facebook profile?, i hear you ask. Well. You know when someone gets a sly laptop, and they think they're boss, and they join facebook, click every fucking "like" they can, add all their mates, play all the games, get everyones birthday and have their horoscope delivered to all of their friends timelines so they can see what her horoscope says, and generally BLADDER facebook? And then they disappear. Whats happened is, they've either had to flog the laptop coz its nearly Christmas and her little angel, "liam" wants a Quad. OR, shes got a new fella and he's a bit of a fuckn head case and "he hasn't got a facebook so i don't need one" and shes flogged it and gave him the money to go to Ibiza with his brilliant mates. Well, shes not on facebook any more. But her facebook is still churning this shit out, telling me her "stars for this week" an, "like this for good luck" over and over again. like a zombie that's infested with a horrible disease, wandering the internet looking for someone to bite..

"ughhhhrrr... must... eat.... brains... "

Before anyone says it. I'm well aware that i can change what goes on my facebook timeline. I'm sure a few clicks would end all this shite for me but the way i see it, i wanna know who these sad bastards are. I actually started hating someone in real life, because of a game they played on facebook. You can't look at a lad the same way if you know he plays "egg hunt" or some shit like that can you? I honestly thought he was sound. Then thought, "nah, this lad goes home, gets his little laptop out and puts his egg hunt game on, the bellwhiff".


So why am i still on facebook? I dont know. I think its like that thing where, your driving past a really bad car crash, and as you crawl past in your car, you look dont you? You look to see if you can see suttn gory an horrible. You cant help it, you dont even have to look. But you do. Thats what facebook is like to me. It's a car crash, with people i know involved in it. and they've crashed coz they were arguing over a game of farmville, and i'm crawling past looking going "ughh, fucked up that" haha.

Probably why were all on Twitter init.

oh yeh....

Few good followers have been onto me, inboxing me head clean off me shoulders asking me if I'm behind any other accounts on Twabbzitter. I'm not. anything else is just a cheap imitation. s'right yooz.






Shoppn wid your berd.... .

There are a few things in life tha bern ur head out, like goin the dentists, crashin ur car into some juice head, grafters X5, findin out your ex berd is preggo an its probably yours. using them stupid fuckin "link" cash machines (wool as fuck them la). but worse than ANY of these things to any scouse lad is of course, going shopping with his berd.

first of all,.... why!!!. girls seem to take great satisfaction from dragging their fella out the shops. an for what? some grown man sulking along behind you like a kid wanting football stickers for school. I'm not even talking about the money issue, the modern scouse female doesn't need our money lads. they dont need it, but will spend it like there is no tomorrow should you offer to pay and if your a wool reading this, you should know that ur new scouse berd will have at least 30% of your wages spent in her head, before you've even seen it. soz abah them, its in their nature.

Girls, the next time ur clobber shopping around town on a busy saturday afternoon, take a little look around the changing room area. outside the changing rooms there are these poor bastards hanging around, holding about 15 bags, and looking miserable as FUCK! you'll see these fellas kinda acknowledging new additions to their numbers with a glance tha says "i know mate, i'm fuckin wounded an all. shit init". To add insult to injury, these fucking shops have now started putting their knickers an bra sections RIGHT OUTSIDE the changing room area. SOUND!! now we all look like fuckin knicker sniffin weirdos thanks for tha!

its hard enough for lads girls, so dont be trying to "get him involved" in your little shopping day you fuckin prinny! dont be walking over to your fella, with some dress hanging over your head going "what'd you reckon? is it the right colour?, what does this colour look like? is the back nice or does it look shit with tha bow thing on the back? its not slaggy is it? is it too matchy matchy with these shoes?" WHAT!! what the fuck is "matchy matchy"?? how the fuck am i supposed to know if the back is shit or not? I'm not fuckin gok wan yuno!! So, what scouse lads do, is they give out simple "safe" answers. If your fella is over the age of about 30, hes a fuckin veteran. How many times have you heard him say "do you like it?" wait for your reply, and then agree with you?? if you like it, HE LIKES IT... if you think its horrible, HE THINKS ITS HORRIBLE too. see what we've did there...

.... if you think its "fuckin horrible"... WHY WOULD YOU TRY IT ON!! ffs. I was once asked what i thought of some dress, i followed the scouse lad code and waited to try and work out what she thought of the dress herself. she liked it. I agreed and said,

 

"yeh its nice. you should get it if you like it"

(can you spot the mistake)

 

 

see what i'd done was, i'd seemed too interested in what she was getting, she'd sniffed a rat and knew something was up. her response was "your just saying that i should buy it so we can get off". kinnell. cant win mate! she shuffled off to take it off an try something else on. i was left standing there surrounded by older shopping veterans shaking there heads at me in disapproval. I thought "right, fuck this, cheeky twat", and waited for my moment. after about an hour (what the fuck do you all do in there) she came out wearing some other dress, i waited for her question "what about this one, is this one better?".... i checked for the nearest exit and went for it..

 

"are you messn, it looks a fuckin show! get it off right now. i feel ashamed for ya!...."

 

her face was a picture, it was a face that looked as tho it couldn't actually believe the words that had come out of my mouth and then gone in her ears. it was the calm before the storm. i knew it, and so did my audience of arl shopping veterans that where actually patting me on the back. some even laughed out loud (after making sure their berds didn't see them laughing at me obviously).

 

Scouse berds must all own mirrors that distort the colours and shape of new clothes. why is it, they can walk around town, ALL DAY!! to finally find a dress they love. That dress that seems to emotionally move them in some way. The dress that they actually love more than there own family. g

Get the dress home. HATE IT! how.,.... how... why?? whats happened?! how...... how does that happen. Love in the shop, Hate in the house. yuz are fuckin cracked in the head yuno.

 

heres a crazy idea girls. if you see a dress, and you like it. BUY THE FUCKIN THING!! dont drag your poor bastard fella around every fuckin shop in town, only to go back to that very first shop you walked in and buy that dress you liked in the fuckn first place. kinnell girl. standing there ummin an arrhing over it saying shit like,  

 

"it is nice, lovely isnt it... it'd go lovely with them shoes i've got.. ummm. ummm....what'd you reckon? nice isnt it....... nah, its only the first shop i've looked in"

 

so what! why does it matter how many shops youve been in? you see something you like, you buy it surely. I can remember needing to buy a suit and some shoes for a wedding i was going to. my berd said she'd come with me but she got fucked straight off.. fuck that mate. I walked out of ours. got on the bus, got off the bus in town. walked into the first shop i seen tha sold suits, bought the first suit i seen that i thought was sound, got some shoes (in the same shop, i know, imagine that girls!!! fucking hell!), paid, walked out the shop to the bus stop, got on the bus and was home within the hour. my berd couldn't handle that.. she couldn't understand how i could just go and buy a suit and not look around. not spend all day looking around, not trying 300 suits on and then stressing over shoes that would go with the suit i'd bought. on the day of the wedding, she even told people, "ju like his suit, it only took him an hour to buy it" then bored every one with how "mad" i was over my shopping skills. every lad she told, patted me on the back and said "well done", all the girls fumed at me, and agreed with me berd that "i was a fuckin shopping weirdo". tut.

 

girls. in future, if your going shopping go on your own and leave your tyrone in the house. take your mate and spend two weeks in liverpool one tryna decide over a dress you pair of fuckin melts.

 

i hate shopping, can you tell...

 

DR SCOUSE..  

 

 



Valentine's Day

Kinnell mate.

Valentine's Day is fuckn sly on lads. berds are just better at "romance" than lads are. From a very young age, scouse lads are programmed not to be a fuckn berd, you must ov herd dads tellin their little lads to "stop crying", "get up" an "hit him back". See! emotions, crying, umbrellas, "chats" and prams, are for girls. Running, fighting, shouting and suppressing ur emotions are for boys.

and then a day like Valentine's Day comes along... and ur supposed to know what flowers your berd likes, what her favourite chocolates are, plan a romantic night and generally "sweep her off her feet".

so. what i've done here is make a list. a list of things lads should and shouldn't do...

..... the doctor arn i??


1: First things first. its only abah the first of February now so calm down. the shops would av you believe its tomorrow with all their chocolates and candles in the shape of love hearts an all tha. kinnell.
2: Get involved. Buy a card an then stash it somewhere. not in your undies draw tho, she'll find it there when she's checking you havent stashed some berds phone number in there. EVERY berd thinks ur cheating coz they've watch Jeremy Kyle and assume ur fingering the berd out the chippy, coz you went there the other week and said "yes" when she asked if you want salt and vinegar. so.... if ur berds a bit of a meff, stash it behind the hoover.

• when writing the card out, write it out neat an tha. like your writing 2pac lyrics on your bedroom wall.
• keep it simple, your not 12 so don't be writing no daft poems in your card like "roses are red, violets are blue, i hate poems, show us ur miff" hahahahaha. see. you sound like a nob end.
• avoid them "me to you" cards and teddy bears, they're for kids them lad. so, if shes asked for some of that shite you might want to ask to see her birth certificate there... kinnell.

3: Dont ask your berd what she wants to do. she'll play it down, and say shit like "i'm not arsed yuno". WHAT!!!??? shes DEFFO arsed!!! so you best do the exact opposite of what she said she wanted to do. what shes basically doin is giving you enough rope to hang yourself. if you turn up wid a card an a twilight dvd. Its all over...
4: Avoid shite "prezzies" on valentines day lads. you know what i'm talking about. honest, no girl has ever been made up you've put ice cubes in her vodka in the shape of a cock! or them daft bills tha say "sex machine" or suttn on the front. no mate, just no. this is supposed to be a romantic occasion, not a "carry on film" ffs.
5: If ur having a romantic meal in the house. thats sound. dont be russling up some shite that you'd normally av any night of the year. if you cant cook, calm down... fly down to marks and spencers or suttn and get suttn boss. something tha sounds posh n tha.

• Get a starter.. like prawns or some mad soup or suttn (when i say mad, i mean like Stilton or carrot or coriander NOT heinz chicken soup). 
• Remember, your berd will know if you've tried to cook suttn boss, Pasta or rice is dead easy, and they'll know that! you might as well bounce a bowl of sugar puffs off her swede.
• Try to be serious, ano you feel like a twat but she's supposed to be gettin your best moves here, so swerve writing "WANK" in alphabites next to some burnt fish fingers.
• Desert! this could make or break the whole night. Again, think about gettn suttn fancy. think, chocolate coated strawberries n tha, not a muller fruit corner. you'll probably get it over your head.
• Champagne. nothing else. if you think your berd will be into a few bottles blue wkd or a big bottle of white lighning your a fuckn gobshite.

6: If you've told her your taking her out, you'd best book a table rarr now, otherwise its gonna be a few drinks in the Blob Shop and a fishcake out the lobster pot.
7: If all goes well she'll be well made up with you. so dont fuck it up by jumping the gun, lashing a Viagra in your gob and asking for a chew at abah half 7. fuckin hell lad. let her finish her alphabites.

Remember that this is all worth doing as long as you've decided to "do" valentines day. If you've only been with her for abah 3 weeks and shes talking about a fuckn city break to paris for 5 days shes a major fuckin crank and you might want to fuck her off.

Another thing that i've noticed is how one sided this valentines day is gettn. every year its getting more and more like "lads, get your berd a card, and spend some doe on her so she'll consider sucking your cock" day. Obviously, lads are realising this and so, are trying to get this "steak and blowjob" day off the ground.

Btw, steak and blowjob day is flawed before its even got started simply because the berd has still got to agree to it obviously. can you imagine a scouser telling his berd "you've got to make me a steak and suck my cock today". haha, "oh is it babes, eyah then".

 

......no, i cant see it either.

 

eh, you might even be one of these lads that have blagged their berds into "fucking all this valentines day bollocks off". Lad, you might score points with the lads with skills like tha, but are your mates gonna suck your cock for you? no.. they're not are they. so, next time your standing in the pub, acting like mr big balls talking shit and saying stuff like "yeh, i just told her she can fuck off!!!", think about it.

 

here's what am saying:

 

• Don't be a tit, and do suttn for valentines day!
• Try and be romantic an tha.
• Plan stuff so its not shit.
• Swerve any tacky shite like cock shaped ice cubes.
• Don't be tryna bang her to early. she's gonna want to drag it out a bit and daydream (if only for a few hours) that ur not a complete fucking disaster.
• Don't get her fuckin bladdered! if she cant remember it, it doesn't count. 

 

good luck lads and remember, if it goes tits up, theres always the grafton.... oh wait.

 

 

DR SCOUSE AGONY.